riddlermarc

Well, I asked the Radiographers this morning if they worked on the weekend/Bank Holiday and they said only for emergencies etc.. so I sweet-talked my doctors today and I should be able to go home tomorrow, leaving my last Radiotherapy appointment as an outpatients appointment next Tuesday.. beats staying here for three days taking up a bed and getting seriously bored!

So they are going to try to get me an early slot tomorrow for my treatment and then get my drugs ready and me signed off asap.. yes you will forgive the similarities from when I was having my chemo a couple of years ago - often they would say “yep, you’ll be out by Friday AM” but when it came the Pharmacy could be too busy to draw up my bag of drugs, or the doc couldn’t be found to officially sign me off. At least they are pressing for beds here right now so I know they will do their best to get me out that door pronto tomorrow!!

I may finally get home, get to spend some time in my own house - seems so long ago I was there. I feel more than a bit guilty about saying things like that, most if not all of the other people in here are in a far worse condition than I am and I don’t want to rub their noses in the fact that I may be going home.. I remember when I was having chemo and someone was off home before me I would be gutted it wasn’t me - not that I didn’t want them to go or I was in any way resentful, far from it. It was good when anyone escaped the wards to be honest.. I know how hard it can be to have to stay in, it is fucking awful sometimes

I am continuing to feel a little sensitive, like I said earlier I think it has sunken down to the core levels and when it gets there it’s impossible to ignore.
Getting home whenever will be a huge lift, I am just a little worried that it is going to upset the dynamics of the house - I am going to feel like an intruder I think but only for a short period of time

Well, had a completely crap night’s sleep and I’m paying the price for it now - I am knackered! Woke at 4am due to a dream and couldn’t really get back to sleep until just a few minutes before I was woken for obs and breakfast! Then it was straight down for another dose of the Radiotherapy and then back up for a wash/change and to get my bed sorted.

Now I am sat in the chair by my bedside (makes a nice change) listening to some music and doing a little surfing.. I have this real compulsion to go back to the British Museum as/when I am up for it in the near future. I haven’t been in a good ten years or so and, it’s hard to describe, it sticks in my heart that the longevity of a single man can be shown and continue past his death. There was an exhibit years ago that was dated from 10,000BC and when I touched it with the palm of my hand I felt some sort of kinship with whomever had carved it.. sounds odd but it’s true. It was weird that someone else, over 10k years ago had touched this large piece of rock with their bare hands and decided it was ripe for carving. Then it gets dug up well in the future and I get the chance to put my hands on the same piece of rock - that spans time, history and language constraints.

When I initially did see this all those years ago, it really did change my whole outlook on life and the fact that things live on after you go (much like the fact that you live on through your kids).. so I have an overwhelming need to go back and reaaffirm all this, what with what is happening to me right now.

I think things are starting to sink in a little, although I obviously know what’s going on it doesn’t always seep down straight away to that core level in you where you can taste it, smell it in every breath and ecperience it in EVERYTHING you do.

I have H coming up after lunch and then Mum and Steve a little later, it will be good to see them for a while