riddlermarc

Well, I asked the Radiographers this morning if they worked on the weekend/Bank Holiday and they said only for emergencies etc.. so I sweet-talked my doctors today and I should be able to go home tomorrow, leaving my last Radiotherapy appointment as an outpatients appointment next Tuesday.. beats staying here for three days taking up a bed and getting seriously bored!

So they are going to try to get me an early slot tomorrow for my treatment and then get my drugs ready and me signed off asap.. yes you will forgive the similarities from when I was having my chemo a couple of years ago - often they would say “yep, you’ll be out by Friday AM” but when it came the Pharmacy could be too busy to draw up my bag of drugs, or the doc couldn’t be found to officially sign me off. At least they are pressing for beds here right now so I know they will do their best to get me out that door pronto tomorrow!!

I may finally get home, get to spend some time in my own house - seems so long ago I was there. I feel more than a bit guilty about saying things like that, most if not all of the other people in here are in a far worse condition than I am and I don’t want to rub their noses in the fact that I may be going home.. I remember when I was having chemo and someone was off home before me I would be gutted it wasn’t me - not that I didn’t want them to go or I was in any way resentful, far from it. It was good when anyone escaped the wards to be honest.. I know how hard it can be to have to stay in, it is fucking awful sometimes

I am continuing to feel a little sensitive, like I said earlier I think it has sunken down to the core levels and when it gets there it’s impossible to ignore.
Getting home whenever will be a huge lift, I am just a little worried that it is going to upset the dynamics of the house - I am going to feel like an intruder I think but only for a short period of time

Well, had a completely crap night’s sleep and I’m paying the price for it now - I am knackered! Woke at 4am due to a dream and couldn’t really get back to sleep until just a few minutes before I was woken for obs and breakfast! Then it was straight down for another dose of the Radiotherapy and then back up for a wash/change and to get my bed sorted.

Now I am sat in the chair by my bedside (makes a nice change) listening to some music and doing a little surfing.. I have this real compulsion to go back to the British Museum as/when I am up for it in the near future. I haven’t been in a good ten years or so and, it’s hard to describe, it sticks in my heart that the longevity of a single man can be shown and continue past his death. There was an exhibit years ago that was dated from 10,000BC and when I touched it with the palm of my hand I felt some sort of kinship with whomever had carved it.. sounds odd but it’s true. It was weird that someone else, over 10k years ago had touched this large piece of rock with their bare hands and decided it was ripe for carving. Then it gets dug up well in the future and I get the chance to put my hands on the same piece of rock - that spans time, history and language constraints.

When I initially did see this all those years ago, it really did change my whole outlook on life and the fact that things live on after you go (much like the fact that you live on through your kids).. so I have an overwhelming need to go back and reaaffirm all this, what with what is happening to me right now.

I think things are starting to sink in a little, although I obviously know what’s going on it doesn’t always seep down straight away to that core level in you where you can taste it, smell it in every breath and ecperience it in EVERYTHING you do.

I have H coming up after lunch and then Mum and Steve a little later, it will be good to see them for a while

Well, it’s been a little bit of a strange day today - I woke up a 6.30am or so for observations etc and couldn’t get back to sleep.Time for a wash/change and a bed making session and then I had breakfast before going back to sleep for a bit before my mid-morning Radiotherapy dose.. then back for lunch lunch - yes I lead an interesting life at the moment!

Then I had another little nap and H/Sam/Chris/Lorrie/Jen came for a visit which was really good - we grabbed a wheelchair and managed to get away from the ward for an hour or so and go get a tea and some fresh air. Man it was good to see Sam again, I hadn’t seen him since last Thursday when we quickly dropped him with Jen before we had to bolt for the train. He wasn’t too fazed by it all, which is obviously a good thing but it means he is getting used to all this now which just isn’t right for a kid of his age:( We pottered around for a while then they all left, and then Mum and Gary turned up for an hour or so, so I took the opportunity to get away from the ward for another hour and get a tea with them - it is really nice to get out for a bit!

They left around 7pm or so as I was getting pretty tired so now I’m fed, watered and back on my bed listening to the new “Black Stone Cherry” album and updating this blog.
H brought down the last two series of Red Dwarf for me to watch on dvd so that should keep me going and keep my spirits up a little and I still have most of the Rambo boxed set to watch when I can dedicate some time/concentration to it!

All in all, not doing too bad - a bit tired, sickie and bored but that’s to be expected and it will get worse before it gets better apparently. A small price to pay for an extension on my life - I have no wish to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet, too many things to do and people to see

I keep thinking about my cousin Nicky in Oz, haven’t spoken to any of that side of the family in years and apparently she’s really down with the dreaded C so I want to get in contact and just say “Hi”.. It just feels a bit of a crap reason to initiate the contact, but on the other hand maybe it’s the perfect reason?

Well, the set-up session went well, I now have two new tattoos on my chest courtesy of SUHT (who can say that!) - I need them so they can line up the radiotherapy machine every time. They are just a couple of dots, but they ARE permanent.
The radiotherapy session went well and I (touch wood) don’t feel too bad as yet, early hours/days though so I will have to make sure I take it as easy as possible just in case
I’m in for four more, they don’t do radiotherapy over the weekend so I will be probably having my last session next Monday and coming home Tuesday.. another WEEK in hospital! Shocking!

Pretty tired right now so I am going to stick a Rambo dvd on the laptop and just veg, I think..

Dr Hamilton has just come round and had a chat about the next step(s) forward, seems I’m to stay in and have five doses of radiotherapy on a strip of my spine from the bottom to around halfway up (T11 I believe). That should either start today or tomorrow, I’m not really looking forward to staying in at least another five days but hey, gotta get fixed and out of here asap Will update later if/when I get some news..

Just sat in hospital, minding my own business when I happened to catch sight of my wedding ring and I had a really proud, bursting feeling in my chest.. yeah it’s a lovely looking ring but it’s not just that- it is what it symbolises that makes the difference.
People said before we were married that “it’s just a piece of paper, nothing has to change” but IMHO it has and everything feels different, a little tighter all over perhaps.
I love my wife, and I love to tell people ” this is my wife, Hayley”.

Enough of the mushy stuff, I’m going to stick some Metal on my headphones at a loud volume and do some surfing!

There’s a bloke in one of the beds opposite me that came in earlier today. He looked really rough earlier and I immediately could see he wasn’t doing so well. His mum has been up all afternoon with the curtains pulled round his bed and he has been making some pretty scary sounds.
Then she just went out into the hallway and made a quick call, five minutes later his dad and brother turned up looking really sad and shaking their heads at each other (out of eye shot of the bloke). Man it is so sad, if he’s “on his way” it is a piss-poor way to go and across the entire ward there is an air of sadness.. I started to cry a little to myself just now, hoping it’s not the way I finally go with my family looking so sad etc. Then again I want to be able to say Goodbye to them, never good when a parent outlives their kid(s) though, I’d imagine.

I feel so very, very sad at the moment

Edit:He made it through the night, had a bit of a rough one but he’s a fighter..