riddlermarc

This had me stumped for quite a while, I couldn’t select my wlan adapter as a point of entry on my wireless network.. but there is a workaround and here it is.

Simple

I was going to say “no specific reason” but obviously it’s my health situation at the moment.. okay I’ve been home for a couple of days and it HAS really helped my recovery a lot - I’m not using my stick any more and I can potter around the house on my own and unafraid of falling.
Thing is, I am scared of the future and what it may bring - okay, I;ve lived like this for the past few years so it is nothing new but I am, right now, experiencing a constant nagging feeling of worry, stress and fear. Sad I know, I AM really happy to be here and looking forward to every day as it comes - I think maybe I haven’t totally switched over from the “Hospital” frame of mind to the “Home” one -I still have one more visit to the Hospital on Tuesday so I can’t really put this all behind me until then, I suppose.

On the other hand, Luna is really helping to bring a little new life to the place - she is a real sweetheart (despite just coming in and weeing on the floor!). I’ll post up some pitures soon

<rant>

V.. I probably can empathise with her more than the average MOTP can (I have had restless nights thinking about leaving Sam, Hayley et all in the lurch etc) but did I go running to the press when I found out I had cancer, moaning that I had to leave my Big Brother job?

I bet the guy in the bed opposite me last week, who barely managed to get through his brain attacks and it still fighting it, who has young kids and a wife to fight for too, is not too chuffed either right now.

Don’t get me wrong, I feel for her and all others who are stricken own with thie Godawful disease I really do.. just bugged me that it is splashed across the BBC website, the Currant Bun etc.. okay it gets stuff into peoples minds and that is never a bad thing but it really irks me that a scare like this and she is actually posing for crying photos in the paper.. I wonder if I can get £100k for my story and pictures of me crying at the thought of (once again) losing those I love nearst and dearest.

</rant>

It is 4.30pm Friday afternoon and I have been home for a good couple of hours now - managed to get my treatment done early this morning and all discharge paperwork sorted so I’m out!

I have to go back next Tuesday for my last Radiotherapy appointment but don’t have to bother going to the ward (C4), other than to pick up my trainers I left there earlier today.

That’s it for now, going to go and have a chill

Well, I asked the Radiographers this morning if they worked on the weekend/Bank Holiday and they said only for emergencies etc.. so I sweet-talked my doctors today and I should be able to go home tomorrow, leaving my last Radiotherapy appointment as an outpatients appointment next Tuesday.. beats staying here for three days taking up a bed and getting seriously bored!

So they are going to try to get me an early slot tomorrow for my treatment and then get my drugs ready and me signed off asap.. yes you will forgive the similarities from when I was having my chemo a couple of years ago - often they would say “yep, you’ll be out by Friday AM” but when it came the Pharmacy could be too busy to draw up my bag of drugs, or the doc couldn’t be found to officially sign me off. At least they are pressing for beds here right now so I know they will do their best to get me out that door pronto tomorrow!!

I may finally get home, get to spend some time in my own house - seems so long ago I was there. I feel more than a bit guilty about saying things like that, most if not all of the other people in here are in a far worse condition than I am and I don’t want to rub their noses in the fact that I may be going home.. I remember when I was having chemo and someone was off home before me I would be gutted it wasn’t me - not that I didn’t want them to go or I was in any way resentful, far from it. It was good when anyone escaped the wards to be honest.. I know how hard it can be to have to stay in, it is fucking awful sometimes

I am continuing to feel a little sensitive, like I said earlier I think it has sunken down to the core levels and when it gets there it’s impossible to ignore.
Getting home whenever will be a huge lift, I am just a little worried that it is going to upset the dynamics of the house - I am going to feel like an intruder I think but only for a short period of time

Well, had a completely crap night’s sleep and I’m paying the price for it now - I am knackered! Woke at 4am due to a dream and couldn’t really get back to sleep until just a few minutes before I was woken for obs and breakfast! Then it was straight down for another dose of the Radiotherapy and then back up for a wash/change and to get my bed sorted.

Now I am sat in the chair by my bedside (makes a nice change) listening to some music and doing a little surfing.. I have this real compulsion to go back to the British Museum as/when I am up for it in the near future. I haven’t been in a good ten years or so and, it’s hard to describe, it sticks in my heart that the longevity of a single man can be shown and continue past his death. There was an exhibit years ago that was dated from 10,000BC and when I touched it with the palm of my hand I felt some sort of kinship with whomever had carved it.. sounds odd but it’s true. It was weird that someone else, over 10k years ago had touched this large piece of rock with their bare hands and decided it was ripe for carving. Then it gets dug up well in the future and I get the chance to put my hands on the same piece of rock - that spans time, history and language constraints.

When I initially did see this all those years ago, it really did change my whole outlook on life and the fact that things live on after you go (much like the fact that you live on through your kids).. so I have an overwhelming need to go back and reaaffirm all this, what with what is happening to me right now.

I think things are starting to sink in a little, although I obviously know what’s going on it doesn’t always seep down straight away to that core level in you where you can taste it, smell it in every breath and ecperience it in EVERYTHING you do.

I have H coming up after lunch and then Mum and Steve a little later, it will be good to see them for a while

Well, it’s been a little bit of a strange day today - I woke up a 6.30am or so for observations etc and couldn’t get back to sleep.Time for a wash/change and a bed making session and then I had breakfast before going back to sleep for a bit before my mid-morning Radiotherapy dose.. then back for lunch lunch - yes I lead an interesting life at the moment!

Then I had another little nap and H/Sam/Chris/Lorrie/Jen came for a visit which was really good - we grabbed a wheelchair and managed to get away from the ward for an hour or so and go get a tea and some fresh air. Man it was good to see Sam again, I hadn’t seen him since last Thursday when we quickly dropped him with Jen before we had to bolt for the train. He wasn’t too fazed by it all, which is obviously a good thing but it means he is getting used to all this now which just isn’t right for a kid of his age:( We pottered around for a while then they all left, and then Mum and Gary turned up for an hour or so, so I took the opportunity to get away from the ward for another hour and get a tea with them - it is really nice to get out for a bit!

They left around 7pm or so as I was getting pretty tired so now I’m fed, watered and back on my bed listening to the new “Black Stone Cherry” album and updating this blog.
H brought down the last two series of Red Dwarf for me to watch on dvd so that should keep me going and keep my spirits up a little and I still have most of the Rambo boxed set to watch when I can dedicate some time/concentration to it!

All in all, not doing too bad - a bit tired, sickie and bored but that’s to be expected and it will get worse before it gets better apparently. A small price to pay for an extension on my life - I have no wish to shuffle off this mortal coil just yet, too many things to do and people to see

I keep thinking about my cousin Nicky in Oz, haven’t spoken to any of that side of the family in years and apparently she’s really down with the dreaded C so I want to get in contact and just say “Hi”.. It just feels a bit of a crap reason to initiate the contact, but on the other hand maybe it’s the perfect reason?